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Infidelity Over 50
The End? The Beginning of Something New?
Or . . .?
Infidelity, adultery, affair, cheating, extra-marital sex, internet affair, emotional affair . . . .
The number of definitions, descriptors, synonyms, categories, or whatever probably is a reflection of the complexity, the generality, and the specificity of the behavior.
Whatever you call it, however you define it, when infidelity occurs it is incredibly harmful to the relationship and hurtful to those involved. When there is a successful "way back", that takes a long time and things are likely to never be quite the same again.
And, the longer we live, the longer we live together, the longer can become the history and the hurt of affairs.
How much hurt , guilt, and/or defensiveness continues for how long is likely to depend on which part you played.
- To the one who strayed, past infidelities often really do feel like they happened long long ago in a galaxy far far away.
- To those whose spouse had the affair, the hurt, the lack of trust, the fear, the memories of it can stay alive and vivid for years and years.
There are good reasons for these differences of experience and they eventually have to be factored into any solution and moving on. For a more complete description of this you might like to check out what the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists has to say on the topic by clicking
here.
A Simple Definition of Infidelity
It seems fairly simple.
Two people promise to join together and move forward in their lives together, for better and for worse, and to take on the inevitable challenges, both outside and inside their union, together. When they don't, they have been untrue to the promise, the commitment.
And yet, it clearly can't be simple or we wouldn't see so much of it. (It isn't as though people just get up one morning and decide to do something incredibly stupid and hurtful.)
Even without engaging in a great deal of ethical, moral, or pragmatic thought, the very fact that that throughout the spectrum of religious traditions it has been specifically and seriously proscribed tells us that this one is dangerous. They didn't spend a lot of time and effort warning us against things that didn't matter or we were unlikely to ever face.
If you want to see an excellent article on the topic that was published in Going Bonkers magazine, just fill in this form to get the link.
Views of Major Religions
An admittedly superficial survey of available information on the beliefs of major religious groups on this topic shows a consistent abhorrence: In fact, the warnings against it are so strong and from so many directions that it should come as no surprise that if you do find yourself tempted or guilty, there is even a predictable set of
excuses
So I will repeat myself here. If infidelity weren't a risk for all of us (to one degree or another), there would not have to be so many warnings, admonitions, and threats about it. Thinking "that will never happen to me" is probably a mistake. As is thinking that it only happens to bad people, uninteresting people, lazy people, or any other group that, of course,doesn't include me and you.
Even those who question the existence of infidelity without physical, sexual contact are likely to concede that the emotional components of an affair are often the hardest to heal from. It is not uncommon to hear someone say that forgiving the physical contact was easier than letting go of the the picture of their partner having an emotional attachment with the other person.
I am of the belief that there is indeed infidelity that occurs without any physical sexual contact at all. And that within the range of my limited experience, it appears that it can be at least as damaging as that which includes physical contact.
It used to be something that was rumored, perhaps inferred from a closeness, that took place under relatively unusual circumstances, like the stories told about Dwight Eisenhower with his secretary in England during the war. Who knows? It certainly was a set up; far from home, lonely, under tremendous stress.
Now, of course, people face opportunity/risk of emotionally close relationships that exclude their primary partners every day in work and recreational settings. Most of us don't even think twice about the risks to our relationships at home posed by closeness and shared purpose of relationships outside of our homes.
You can find more discussion of emotional infidelity
HERE.
Staying Aware of the Risks
Not that we should a great deal of time and energy worrying about it. However, we need to be aware that we and our partners are put into harm's way by work, business travel, busy separate schedules, both parties working, and the internet in ways that in ways that previous generations could not have imagined.
And if we find our thinking or that of our partner getting a bit strange (such as the classic
I love her/him/you but I am not in love with her/him/you
) it's probably time to become more aware of what is going on between you and your partner.
Keeping Our Relationships Healthy
Keeping up on our relationship-health "inoculation" schedule has never been more important. And, it isn't complicated or heavy. Gottman's research into what makes marriages work points to very simple things such as treating our partners as friends and helping each other in ways that the receiver of the help wants as being most important.
Staying Out of Dangerous Situations
Being aware of the ways in which we an our partner may be putting ourselves at risk or actually stepping over the line needs our attention too. When does this sort of behavior shade over into paranoia? I don't know.
We don't want or expect our house to catch on fire, but knowing where the extinguisher and the exits are is still a good idea.
Surviving A Breach of Trust
Finally, if one of us does stray, knowing what kinds of things we can do to make clear decisions and take smart actions can save us from making a hard situation even harder.
It helps to know what kind of a situation you are dealing with. One simple way to start this process is to consider a list of types of infidelity and see if your situation fits into one of the categories.
For getting solid, responsible, actionable advice my favorite source is Dr. Robert Huizenga. You can read articles by him on this topic here on my site and in more depth directly from him by by Clicking Here if you will would like to.
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To get your own copy of an excellent article on this topic, just fill in the form below.
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