Once you accept that relationship problems are a natural and predictable part of life that call for ongoing letting go of the past and creating the present and future, they get whole lot easier to deal with.
It's natural to resist that. It's hard to let go of the known for an unknown that may or may not work out the way you wish.
This is what's at work in couples who keep having the same basic arguments for years, decades even.
The moving through starts when you accept the notion expressed by an early family therapy researcher who said that life is just one darned thing after another, but problems are the same darned thing over and over.
Put your attention on growing new ways of being together that fit what is right now.
You can learn secrets of how effective people who take this kind of responsibility
Are these secrets simple? . . . . . Usually.
Are they easy to apply in your own life? . . . Well, . . . that depends.
It's already clear that people who are effective in relationships take full responsibility for their own beliefs, feelings, and actions. They don't wait around for someone else to move first . . . even though they know that it is easier if both people are on the same page. They don't expect themselves, their partners, or their situations to remain static. They go with the flow, both inside themselves, inside their partners, and in the world around them.
So, here's your invitation to dig deeper into what we know about people who are good at this stuff
AND . . . . . for those of us who might be described as well intentioned, but relationally challenged, ways to -
You do it now because, most simply put, now is the only time you have. The past is gone, water under the bridge, and the future hasn't happened yet.
Seeking more from your closest relationships in the last third or so of your life has big payoffs. Kids are gone on to their own lives. You either have or haven't achieved the goals set earlier in life. It's time to set new ones
Now that you have more than a few years and probably more than a few ups and downs under your belt, it is the perfect time for finding specific viewpoints, tools, techniques, skills that are just right for us to really transform everyday relationship problems into opportunities -
To be included here, specific skills, techniques, or guidelines have to be clear and doable. And, in fact, there are lots of those and they come in enough varieties that most of us can easily find a good fit. (Deep and nebulous has it's place too, but in my experience that comes more easily later.)
So, why should you believe anything that I say about relationship problems?
Actually, my best advice is don't! Choose what feels right for you. Read the sources for the information presented here. Think about it carefully. Do it for a specific amount of time. Decide for yourself. When it comes to relationships, one size does not fit all.
The plain fact of the matter is that before I started on this quest I would probably have rightly deserved a place on the least likely to become any kind of expert on relationships list. (Maybe I still do. That's for someone else to say I guess.)
But, once I found out how relatively simple the building blocks of good relationships are and how devilishly difficult skillful use of them is if they don't come naturally, I have been obsessed with finding ways to look at the issues involved that make things work easier and ways to consciously make the right assumptions, actions, and words second nature.
And I have read, studied, and tried the specifics presented here and found them useful myself. They work. Well, not all of them in every situation and not all the time, but what's perfect really?
It has been said that the best long term way to get out of the discomfort of relationship problems and related conflict is to go into them, through, and out the other side.
This belief has proven to be the foundation upon which everything else stands for me. I hope it is useful for you too.
But, the first reaction to relationship problems is most often to try to fix them, to run away, to avoid, or to try to overpower the other person. None of this works for long, but it can be very seductive.
Since natural tendencies, conventional wisdom, and common advice often points in the wrong direction, just how do we break free and do what is best for us?
To break negative cycles and start doing the often counter-intuitive things that will work you have to have knowledge, support, and skills to stand in and move through it.
Books, classes, forums, friends can all be big helps with relationship problems. Just try to seek support among people who are going in the same direction you are. A lot of what comes as well meaning advice from family and friends is colored by their own issues and/or meant more to be supportive of you personally than of your relationship.
At this point in our lives most of us know that we need to step up to the challenges and opportunities that come with aging including our relationship problems, but you may find yourself . . .
If any or all of this sounds familiar, don't worry . . .
. . . . the good news is that it doesn't have to be this way!
Yogi Berra definitely had it right when the said "It ain't over til it's over."
Use this website to find books, programs, ideas that can help ignite a spark to
Follow the links on the upper left side of this page to find the kinds of information related to relationship problems you want in areas such as
It's not beyond any of us to have better relationships over 50.
The sooner you start, the sooner you reap the rewards. The longer you keep working at it, the longer you reap the rewards.
This is a work in progress.
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