| |
Working With
Projection In Relationships
Projection in relationships occurs when we have thoughts, feelings, and/or impulses that we are not consciously aware of but that make us uncomfortable and we try to cope with them by seeing them in others, not ourselves.
When we are trying to understand and perhaps predict the behavior of other people, obviously it is very confusing if we are taking our own worst fears about ourselves that we don't even know we have and seeing them in the other person without being aware we are doing it.
Apparently projection in relationships is something that we all do to some degree, especially when we are under stress.
So what can we do about it?
- First, simply realize that we not only don't really know what other people are thinking and feeling, but they very likely don't either. And, that goes for us too.
- Secondly, remember that the more stress we are under, the more likely we are to projecting our own deep feelings and impulses onto the other person and the same for them. In these situations it is wise to take what people say to each other with a grain of salt.
- Invite our partners to discuss their perceptions of how this tendency for projection in relationships might be affecting ours.
There is a related coping mechanism that can be even more complicated: projective identification.
When this one is functioning we are aware of the feelings, thoughts, and impulses, but we still project them onto the other people in such a way that we are justified in having them. When one person does this it often evokes in the other person exactly what the one doing the projecting feared and now is justified in fighting. The result is usually a situation in which no one can really figure out who is doing what to whom. (This one is my own personal "favorite" when I get dysfunctional. It has really messed things up over the years.)
Like simple projection, just knowing that it is likely to happen can make a big difference.
If this is something you realize you do, agreeing on a signal from your partner that it feels to them like this is happening that you promise will be followed just stopping and being quiet for 2, 5, or 10 minutes can help.
Both projection and projective identification can be downright "crazy-making" for both parties. It is extremely important to remember that the core reason we are in relationships at all is to share feelings of appreciation, acceptance, and safety. When we start thinking in terms of being right, fairness, justification, etc. it is likely that we have our attention on the wrong things and projection is likely to be involved.
Return from Projection in Relationships to Psychology of Relationships
|
