Talking With Your Parter About

Your Erectile Dysfunction

Couples who can talk openly have a great advantage when a "biggie" like erectile dysfunction happens.

Sharing fears and worries is a first step toward feeling better. After talking it over, you may find that you're both more comfortable with the situation as it is than either of you knew.


Remember, however, that erectile dysfunction is often a symptom of another condition that is treatable, so no matter how you feel about it in terms of your sex life, talking to your doctor about it together is an early step in working together on it.

And, of course, having an ally in the examining room who shares the problem makes it less likely that an important question or fact will be forgotten. Also, two heads are better than one when it comes to remembering what the doctor said.


It has been noted that the average time it takes a guy to talk with his doctor about ED is two years after it starts happening. Most guys would rather go to the dentist in the movie "Little Shop of Horrors" for a root canal than talk about sex, erections, ejaculation, etc.

OK it's normal, but that doesn't make it smart or effective. If there is any evidence that this don't- ask-don't-tell approach to sex works, I haven't come across it yet and I don't expect to, but it's prevalent.


So as you start to talk with your partner cut yourself some slack.

If you find it hard to talk about things like this, just remember that you undoubtedly came by your attitudes and skills (or lack thereof) with respect to talking about sensitive issues honestly.

Not only were we taught from early ages that guys don't talk about their feelings, but from laboratory research on couples communication conducted by John Gottman PhD at the University of Washington in Seattle, we know that in stressful interpersonal situations males' physical experience of emotion tends to rev up faster, to a higher level, and lasts longer than in females.

Perhaps this explains why men are generally the ones who back off, go silent, or stonewall in difficult relationship situations. It heads off short term disaster, but in the long term, unfortunately, if you want to have a relationship with another person, this doesn't work.

No matter what you usually do, if you can't get an erection and want to have sex with your partner, you're going to have to talk about it.

Just be sure that you take good care of yourself by setting up for success, making it possible for you to keep your comfort level within a range where cooperation, talking, listening, and problem-solving are possible.

Learn and use skills that slow your internal process down.

• Sharing the Gottman findings with my partner so that she understands and supports your backing off for a while

• Use focusing/relaxing breathing to calm internal machinery and mind down to be able to really hear and feel what is going on. I think that this DOES require specific skills and regular practice. The one that has worked for me is the connected breathing described in Michael Brown's "The Presence Process", but generally any form of mindfulness meditation that is workable for you will do the same thing.

• Agree how you are going to talk about this before your start. It is your problem first and then a shared problem. You need to be able to set the rules of engagement.
  
  Set aside an uninterrupted time.
  
  Make it is clear that what actions you'll take medically and lifestyle are your choice and that any support will need to come in a form that you find helpful.
  
  Allow time outs from discussing it, but agree not to stop the discussion.

• Talk and listen effectively.
  
  Read something like "Difficult Conversations" or "Getting to Yes" that describes how skilled mediators go about keeping people focused on the problems and not on the people.

• Know what you are feeling, fearing, believing on the topic.
  
  This is a forced course in how to deal with beliefs about sexuality, masculinity, yourself. Frankly, it's a crash course and the grade will affect your whole life. You really can't put it off.
  
  You might find it helpful to check out some of the information on managing thoughts and feelings Psychology of Relationships pages here.
  
  
• Get some help with this part if you get stuck. You may need a personal coach or a psychotherapist to do this. Just make sure that you find one who will help you do what you want to do which is get your head straight enough that you can have a fruitful conversation on this topic with your partner. You don't want to rebuild your whole life. That might be a good idea too, but it is not what I am talking about doing here.
  
  
  

• Be honest with yourself about your own contributions to the problem
  
  
  Maybe drink less alcohol or stop smoking?
  
  Need to lose some weight, eat healthier, get your cholesterol down?
  
  Exercise more and have a healthier cardiovascular system?
  
  Deal with your mood with some psychotherapy and maybe be able to lower the dose or get off of medication that has ED as a side effect?
  
  

  Decide what you are willing and/or able to do about such factors

  Use language that is natural to you and your partner. I doubt that even Urologists who are having this problem sit down with their partner to discuss their erectile dysfunction. (On second thought, maybe they do, though I hope not.) The medical terminology is designed to be precise and impersonal which serves the delivery of good medical care, but does NOT facilitate talking and listening that brings two people closer together, If this is to be one of those things no one would have chosen, but that can bring two people closer together if dealt with well, leave the medical language out.
  
  

  Be ready to explain your feelings and how that is affecting you. It's alright to explore what you are feeling and what beliefs, assumptions, values, self-talk these feelings are growing out of as the conversation progresses. You don't have to have it all figured out before you start.
  
  If you have trouble coming up with specific self-talk, sometimes it is helpful to ask yourself "What might a person who is reacting to this situation this way believe?

  
  
  
  Talking with your partner about your erectile dysfunction can be very difficult, but the rewards can be great and long lasting.
  
  
  

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