Psychology of Relationships

Unlocking the Secrets of What Works

Understanding some ways of looking at psychology of relationships can go a long way in crafting our own ways of working with ours.

It isn't as though there are really any secrets in the psychology of relationships. After all, we have all been in them and watching them all of our lives. And yet, there is definitely a "not-seeing-the-forest-for-the-trees" factor that can only be gotten around by having disinterested third parties observing what's really going on.

We're not just too close to the action to get the whole picture. We're immersed in the action.

What follows is an effort to describe some of the observations on the psychology of relationships from different angles that I have found useful and that seem likely to lead to informed, focused action toward our goals. It is not presented as the only way to look at it or necessarily the best for you, but it should be a good place to start. Especially if you find yourself tangled in problems with no obvious way out or if you just want to set foot on a pathway to better relationships.

Emotional Intelligence

Being better versed in different ways of looking at and describing relationships has the potential to contribute to our over all emotional intelligence.

Unlike IQ, emotional intelligence, EQ, seems to be something that we can improve if we put our minds to it. So, if you are one of us (I include myself here) who is not a natural at "getting" what is really going on with other people, there is hope. The discussion at the above link is offered as a start to studying this topic.

Conflict Management

How we view and manage conflict in our relationships is, of course rooted in our own personal psychology and how ours interacts with others with whom we are in contact. Exactly how we got the uncanny knack of falling in love with a person whose beliefs and behaviors around conflict can be so different from our own and so upsetting to us remains a matter of discussion and opinion. If it isn't an issue in your relationship, that's great. You can put attention somewhere else. If it is, however, the above link may have some helpful ideas.

Cognitive Behavioral Psychology

From the field of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) we get the concept that things that happen in our world do not lead directly to our feelings and actions, but rather that we place meanings on what happens and our reactions are guided by that meaning.

An example , take the notion, assumption, belief that it is necessary to have compatibility between us for our relationships to work. It seems to make a lot of sense, but on more careful analysis, it doesn't hold water. The importance of what meaning we put on particular things, like compatibility, is discussed in more detail at the link above.

Identifying what we assume about relationships and learning to make our thinking/feeling processes work for us can be a huge help in making how we act in our relationships conscious. Read more about how to use this tool here.

In considering the psychology of relationships, another view of how our psychological processes can affect our relationships involves the effects of unconscious efforts to cope with stresses inherent in relating closely with another person.

For example, projection , where we project our own negative thoughts and feelings onto the other person without even being aware that we have them. Seeing our own "demons" in the other person may put them out of our awareness in ourselves, but it sure can make the relationship confusing and frustrating to both people.

Approaches From Solution Oriented Therapy

Forget all the history, the reasons, the excuses. How would your relationship be if it were the way you would like it to be? If somehow tomorrow your relationship was like that, what would you be doing, saying, feeling?

This is an over-simplified description of the mindset and starting point of Solution Oriented Therapy. It offers powerful tools in handling relationship problems and in seeking higher levels of intimacy as well. For a very complete and readable description of how this view of the psychology of relationships is used in troubled ones, check out Michele Weiner-Davis's book, Divorce Busting

Gender Differences

Gender differences in how we view and experience relationships are profound enough that instead of "psychology of relationships" we perhaps should consider "psychologies of relationships".

What a man wants/expects from a relationship as well as what meaning he places on specific occurrences/actions/words is likely to be different from what a woman wants/expects from a relationship, as well as the meanings that she is likely to place on the same specific occurrences/actions/words.

Not every man, not every woman, but there there certainly are issues to be aware of and to see if and/or how they are affecting your relationship. This is not an insoluble problem, but one to be ignored only at our own peril.

Perhaps the best known writings on this topic are by Deborah Tannen such as "You Just Don't Understand" which looks at how men and women talk and listen, but this topic has been discussed and written about for many years. More recently Dr. John Grey of Mars & Venus fame has added some particularly useful observations on this topic.

On the other hand, it is only fair to note that if gender differences were the cause of relationship problems, then same sex couples would never have problems or break up.

Our mind-body states as we engage in relationships are, of course, the instruments upon which the music of the relationship are played. Our ability to work with our mind-body systems as we interact with others in open and accepting ways is basic to achieving the highest results. In his late years Ram Dass wrote about his experience of this in the context of aging in Still Here In which he described how he saw mindfulness meditation fitting into a practice for achieving this.

That there are predictable stages in relationships is a notion that can be particularly helpful in keeping one's perspective.

While there are various versions of this concept presented in different places, how the general idea that when separate beings interact with each other the interface results in a series of steps in how they come to understanding and working together can often keep us from getting needlessly lost is discussed here.

When considering the psychology of relationships, issues surrounding how we deal with power in our relationships are always present, whether we are conscious of them or not and no matter how a particular model chooses to describe them.

And, of course, we are perhaps most aware of it when it becomes destructive and is expressed in the various forms of abuse. Abuse does not go away with age. Take it seriously!

There is are discussions of power and abuse along with a worksheet for methodically assessing the allocation of power in your relationship HERE. and at the link above.

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