Understanding Men In Relationships

Men In Relationships

What Do They Want? What Do They Expect?

Men in relationships have been described as tending to

be afraid of getting trapped, smothered, controlled
wanting to solve problems, be helpful, move on
not naturally focused on process or feelings
have internal dialogue that is not about process or feelings
be afraid that if he does share feelings, worries, fears, he will be looked down on, making the relationship worse not better (There is research that supports this fear by the way.)

So, what do we do with information about what "men" are likely to be assuming, thinking, believing, wanting, expecting, when relationships happen one at a time? That is to say, what is true of men in relationships may or may not be true of the man right in front of you. Or, it may be to some degree.

And, even if they are all true and I am in a relationship with a man or I am a man in a relationship and I don't like how it is going, what can I do with this knowledge?

For starters - what is is. Even if you want to go somewhere else, you have to start where you are, not where you wish you were.

If these particular gender specific behaviors and beliefs are bothering you, a good place to start is with Byron Katie's four question approach described in detail in Loving What Is or the guided attention breathwork in Michael Brown's The Presence Process for some help with cleaning up your own emotional charge about being with a person who does not see relationships the same way you do. Then you can going ahead with working on specific issues with your partner with a reasonable chance of success.

While there is no easy fix, no panacea, when men in relationships are having problems, it can be very helpful to know where they are likely to be coming from.

The formula (if there is one) is to

study up on what a man is (you are) likely to be feeling, wanting, expecting about relationships in general
do your own work on feelings that this brings up, whether that is your reaction to your partner or your own reaction to the suggestion that you should somehow be different about this
review the concept of stages of relationships
with a clean and positive mindset, honestly and effectively communicate about the specifics

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