Divorce

The Solution That Never Goes Away

No matter how you do it or why, the best you can do in divorce is limit the pain, the loss. Ending any relationship is difficult. The involvement of the legal system only makes it harder.

Don't let anyone tell you any different.

It is a game in which everyone loses something. While the benefits may well outweigh the costs, don't act as if there will be none.


However, if you're looking for a way to meet as many emotional ghosts from your whole life, it's pretty hard to beat it. They can all be expected to show up for the party. In fact, they'll show up whether you are looking for them or not.


That's why I am a strong advocate of making an informed, thoughtful decision of whether to stay (and what making that work will entail) or go (and knowing the best way to go about that for you.) Ideally, you will both be involved in this and you will spend enough time and effort to do it right.


For many people there are "shoulds" and "double shoulds" that lead them straight into divorce without much thought. It is a case of if-you-do-that,-then-I-do-this, game-over. Examining such beliefs and working through them in such a way that you can make a clean, honest, good decision about what you want to do can be one of the best things you ever do, no matter which way you decide to go eventually.


Doing "the work" ala Loving What Is is a great way to go. It takes some commitment and effort, but it is an incredibly powerful tool. Cognitive Behavior Therapy, CBT, techniques are right on when they assert the power of the words we use, the beliefs we hold, the way we solve problems. The Work described by Byron Katie gives us specific, step-by-step things to do to identify these processes and make them conscious.


Another effective way to go is one of the immediately available online courses and/or e-books such as Save My Marriage Now. This one is based on principles that are quite in line with this website. This author has fleshed out ideas of George Pransky from his book The Relationship Handbook and others in ways that make it much more doable for the committed reader. She also offers a free e-mail newsletter that has some good information in it.


For Christian couples there are added dimensions to the question of whether to stay together or not that can be stumbling blocks or stepping stones, depending on how you go about it. If this is you, you might get some good help from Save Your Christian Marriage.


Most importantly, remember that no one can answer the question of whether you should split up or not for you. And when we feel like giving the whole thing up, we most likely are not in a good state of mind to make any decisions, much less one as big as this one.


If nothing else, put some space between the feeling that you have to get out and the decision to do it.