The Role of Compatibility
in Relationships Over 50

It appears to me that compatibility in relationships is largely overrated as a reason for their success or failure. It may relate to sticking together longer, though I don't know about that one way or the other. As for quality of the relationship, it does not seem to be absolutely necessary and may even be a spur to moving beyond surface concerns.

Still, it is very common to hear people who are having trouble credit it to not being compatible.

We say that when we are not feeling good. When things aren't going well. And, when we don't know what to do about it.


If we wait until we are feeling better and then look around, it becomes pretty clear that, yes, in the moment that we thought it and/or said it, we certainly weren't fitting together. But it is also likely to have taken on a different meaning than the one we saw when we were feeling bad.

When we are feeling down, it is always a bad idea to believe what we think a particular action or interaction with our spouse means. We can't really keep ourselves from thinking whatever we think, but we don't have believe it.


When I am feeling good, differences are likely to look charming, interesting, or refreshing. At those times I am not even considering whether we are compatible or not.

However, it's when I am not in such a good mood that those very same things are likely to get on my nerves.


Like your mother used to say when you told her something mean someone had said about you, consider the source. It was good advice then and it still is now. Just remember, when we are in a bad mood we are not a reliable, unbiased source.



So, what do we do about our ideas of compatibility in relationships?


We need to go over the logic involved in taking the position that how much we have in common makes relationships succeed or fail, correct beliefs there that just don't work, and then do the things that we know do work to get feeling closer and safer with each other again.

• Notice couples you know who aren't alike at all, but have positive, loving relationships.
  
  
• Notice couples who appear to have a great deal in common, but either have split up or are having a rough time together.
  
  
• Analyze your thinking on the subject using the techniques cognitive techniques described here.
  
  
• Remember how you felt about your differences when you were courting and first together.
  
  
• Decide that when you are feeling incompatible with your partner in the future that you will remind yourself that this is a sign that you are not feeling close, not that your relationship is not meant to be.
  
  
• Put your attention on doing and saying things that have brought the two of you together before you consider changing anything or making any requests, suggestions, or demands.