Abuse in Relationships Over 50Take Care!
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As we get older, the chance of abuse in relationships does not really go down as much as one might think, (hope). A bad relationship, whether verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, or physically abusive, is just as unhealthy and emotionally damaging in our over-50 years as earlier.
Mentally abusive situations are painful in and of themselves, but they also carry with them the risk of escalation. Perhaps because of this "entry level" danger from mental abuse, it is a logical place to start considering the topic. One discussion of this can be found here .
Not only that, now that we are old enough to have adult children, it is very possible to be treated abusively, especially in the verbal/emotional realm, by them.
As of right now, the best explanation of abuse that I've come across is that it sets up a relationship in which you feel like you are walking on eggshells, trying not to set the other person off. Careful, practically paranoid perhaps, about what you say and do are them.
FIRST AND FOREMOST IS THAT PHYSICAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS MUST NOT GO ON: If you or someone else is getting hurt, the very first thing that has to happen is for that to stop.
No excuses.
No "ifs" "ands" or "buts".
Anything else you choose to do must follow from that.
Calling a domestic violence hotline and/or seeking supportive counseling especially aimed at abuse in relationships is often needed to make this happen. It also can get you more information and other forms of needed support.
Pages 5, 6, 7, 8 of the article linked here provide information on places to get information and help for abuse in relationships of older people.
The person who is being abusive really has to do something, something quite difficult in fact, if there is to be real change. It is very common for the abuser to feel sorry that they did it, to apologize, to say they'll never do it again (and to mean it). But unless they are willing to do the work to dig out the roots, it will be back.
Abusing another person grows out of trying to avoid bad feelings within oneself and is most often experienced by the abuser as simply defending himself, not letting other people push him around, ignore him, devalue him, etc. And if you are on the lookout for others doing this, you won't be disappointed.
The problem is that the resentment and anger is at best a short term fix. In the longer term, undealt with it becomes a disaster for everyone involved.
I think Einstein once said "Nothing happens until something moves." Apparently, saying you aren't going to do it again isn't enough movement enough.
Unless something with that deep inner hurt, you may tone it down, corral it, limit the number of occurrences, but there is unlikely to be lasting change. And you have to feel it to heal it.
But feeling it is exactly what the abuser is trying to avoid with all the anger, bullying, put-downs, criticisms, and controlling are trying to avoid experiencing.
A classic lose-lose situation. A tragedy.
If a relationship has included abuse for some time, it is likely to continue on in a habitual form as the partners get older. This makes it no less serious or dangerous, but it can make it less likely to be reported or even identified by the partners as abuse.
A less common, but still possible cause may be basic changes in the structure of an ongoing relationship such as our last child moving out, one or both of us retiring, one or both of us developing an alcohol problem or one partner being sick or disabled, especially if abusive behavior has been part of dysfunctional attempts to cope with stress in earlier years.
If we are single, perhaps for the first time in a long time, as we meet and interact with people in new ways we are exposed to a risk that we may not be prepared for.
Falling in love in one's 60's or 70's can be such a surprise that our better sense about things like healthy relationship boundaries are forgotten. It's not a reason to avoid all relationships, but it is important to give yourself time to weigh how you feel around this person in a variety of settings.
In any event, whether the issues described below lead to an abusive relationship or not, they definitely are signs that one or both of you is acting out of insecurity. Most likely the roots of that insecurity go far beyond your present relationship.
If you love each other and want to go forward in a positive way and build a healthy relationship , these very issues provide powerful opportunities to dig into these blocks to intimacy together and make your relationship better and better.
Done right, the process of addressing these strong emotional charges together becomes deeply rewarding and bonding. And, if either or both of you can’t or won’t take on this challenge, then you are seeing a big red flag warning you of danger ahead.
It isn't always easy for to see abuse in relationships coming, especially when it is something that we haven’t thought much about before. And, there is no one set of traits that predict who is likely to be abusive.
There are often behaviors and attitudes that can make potential violence easier to spot.
Does your partner insist you're the only one who understands him, actas if his whole world depends on your love; show excessive jealousy, discourage you from seeing family and friends or put you down in public?
Do you feel like you can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try?
Do you ever feel afraid ?
Do you feel your thoughts, opinions and feelings don't matter in your own home?
Does the other person brag about using violence to settle conflicts and/or have a history of using violence?
Does your partner check up on you, need to know where you are all the time, make all the decisions and/or makes fun of your opinion and thoughts?
Do you worry a lot about how your partner will react to things you say or do?
Has your partner hit, pushed, choked, restrained, kicked or physically intimidated you?
Does your partner use drugs or alcohol and/or pressure you to take them?
If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, you may want to
learn more
about the whole topic. Be advised, this linked article is very good and complete, but interspersed among quite a few advertisements. Keep going all the way to the bottom of each page to find the link to the next one.
Also, take special note of how
alcohol problems and an abusive relationship
become intertwined.
If you have any question about whether your relationship is abusive or not, you will probably find it helpful to call a domestic violence hotline and/or seek supportive counseling.
You may also want to share specific concerns with family and friends who you feel will understand and support you.
Just be aware that family and friends are often quite uncomfortable about getting involved in such a personal issue as an abuse in relationships. Very likely they hold some fear that if they get involved and the two of you settle it, you both will be mad at them.
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